How Blackmailing is Performed in France
by Maggot Magnet
Summary: THEY SCREW AT THE END


So the backstory's gonna be all like OH GAWD SPY AND SNIPER ARE LIKE BLACKMAILING EACH OTHER or something I don't know. But it's BLU Spy and RED Sniper 'cause that's what Tumblr says and Tumblr is, like, a chill thingamajig and I believe it more than I value your emotions and inner feelings. Love you.

Then Sniper's just like sitting in his van or something I don't know. And he's all readin' this book about piano playing because some people said that Sniper plays piano but that makes no sense since that's totally OOC and not canon in any way, shape, or form. Whatever though.

So like yeah he's in his van in the parking lot of 2fort 'cause that's the only map I play in.

He is sitting on his raggedy red sofa that has patches and dust riddled all over like an old book in the back of a shelf of a library, and it has little wooden pegs on the bottom of the couch that flare out like lion toes and it makes a sound when you sit on it that sounds like the sound of an octopus passing gas and also he bought it in a flea market in 1967 with his friend's brother, Carl. Carl had lots of curly blonde hair and he talked with an Adelaide accent, but Sniper could still make out what he was saying because everyone in Australia sounds like everyone else in Australia. Australia is a country in the Southern Hemisphere and it is shaped like a fortune cookie without a fortune and in most maps it's yellow and I find that funny

Sniper stares directly into this narrative. "Oi'm reading about pianos because I ploy piano, mates mates mates," he says. Then he shrugs. Why is he shrugging? Why is he talking to himself? I already told the reader what you're doing, Sniper. Stop it.

"I'm waiting for Spoiiiii to come to my van oh wait shit I'm not supposed to know that yet," he says in a run-on because dialogue doesn't have to have grammar so I can finally slack off. Stop staring at us, Sniper. We all see your piss-colored glasses. Now stop it.

There were like 7 knocks on the door even though no one counts how many times you knock on a door.

"Whot is it Spoi," said Sniper. How did he know it was Spy if he doesn't have heat vision goggles? That is what I would like to know.

"Sniper let me in you piss fetishist," said Spy back to Sniper but the sound was muffly because voices don't carry through vans very well.

"No," he said, but he meant yes. I don't get men. Do you? I don't. "I wont let you in. Ha ha ha ha you can go screw off ya bloody spooooooook."

"Ok too bad you imbecile onhon hon." he snorted then he kicked down the door until it was open and Sniper stopped staring at the narrative to look at spy.

"I'm horny today," announced Spy. He even had a boner and everything.

"Fuck I'm not even done reading about pianos and different chords on the pianos and stuff about musician things," cursed Sniper, though he only had one curse in that entire sentence. I should have made him curse more. After all, he is manly and a gunman and all of that thing.

Spy leapt forward and punched the book out of his grasp so that it flew across the room and hit Sniper's mountain of porn magazines. Spy then sat on Sniper's lap because he could. "Oh well that's too bad bushman how about let's eat strawberries with whipped cream all delicious and frenchlike mon amour."

"We're not THAT gay," said Sniper, looking up to the narrative again. "I'm just doing whatever Spy says because if I don't there won't be any porn, will there?"

Spy looked around. "Who zhe fuck are you talking to? Are you cheating on me with someone?"

"No," said Sniper. "How about let's eat strawberries mate."

"Okay here they are," said Spy. For some reason he pulled out a batch of strawberries and an entire can of whipped cream because I was too lazy to write how he'd have to get up from Sniper's lap and go to the kitchen to get them.

"Fucking bloody shit mate Oi don't wont to do this mate mate mate mate," resisted Sniper and he craned his neck upwards like a crane.

"Non zhere's simply no use struggling, you see, because I'm going to delicately force-feed you them anyway." Then Spy took his sexy leather gloves and plucked a strawberry from its bowl delicately and then dipped it into whipped cream. I'm not implying semen. He then swirled it all around the white warm gunky liquid. I'm not implying semen. Then he brought it to Sniper's lips until Sniper's lips parted like a woman's and smeared the white warm gunky liquid all over his mouth. I'm not implying semen. Then Sniper brought his tongue out and licked it all off and then he ate the strawberry with some white still on the corner of his lips. I'm not implying semen. I'm not implying semen. I swear.

"Was zhat delicious?" asked Spy.

"No," lied Sniper.

"Yes it was," Spy assured him coyly all foxlike and all of that.

"Say," began Sniper as the strawberry bowl disappeared from this story, "why aren't we making out and fuckin' yet, mate?"

"I thought you weren't horny and you were busy reading about pianos in your lonely old van in the middle of zhe parking lot in 2fort," explained Spy to both us and Sniper.

"Well, now Oi'm horny because we weren't implying semen with strawberries, and I have the undeniable urge to rip your insides open with my ten-inch Sydney Tower, mate," grinned Sniper. He spit on the floor for no reason.

"Oh Sniper you horny old thing that always uses metaphors in his dialogue," cooed Spy.

Then I didn't feel like describing Spy get undress, so Spy suddenly got naked.

"Holy crap, where did your clothes go?" asked Sniper in awe, for he didn't know that talent-cloaking devices could be applied in fics, too.

Then Spy started moaning in French. "Je vais g mir en fran ais parce que je veux tre romantique dans une autre langue. Oh, Sniper, je ne peux pas attendre pour vous de tirer votre bite et commencer avoir des relations sexuelles avec moi. Vous voyou beau."

"I have no idea what the fuck you just said and I wish I had a translator," moaned Sniper.

"Merde," moaned Spy for no reason.

Then Spy kissed Sniper on the lips for ten hours and they could feel each other's heartbeats through their dicks, if that's even possible.

"Can we get to the bloody good part, please?" asked Sniper politely because all he ever wanted to do was just fuck someone for once without a bunch of feminine foreplay.

"OHHH SNIPER FUCK ME!" moaned Spy.

"Okay," said Sniper with a smile. Then he put Spy on the bed and he slammed his hairy length inside of Spy's delicious buttonhole in at least half of a second.

"OOOH HO HO OH OH HO HON HONH ONH OHNHO," moaned Spy as his back arched like a cat because his rectum was being pulled inside out. "SNORT SNORT!"

"This is fun," commented Sniper as he thrust back out with his skinny hips.

"J'AI PEUR," moaned Spy.

Sniper thrust back in. "Oi'm gonna come!" groaned Sniper.

"LET'S SCREW AGAINST ZHE WALL!" commanded Spy as he pointed to the wall of the caravan.

Sniper drew himself out and they teleported to the wall to not break the smooth sexiness of this scene.

Spy's back was on one of Sniper's bikini posters and Sniper was standing right in front of him and struggling not to drop Spy because Spy was hanging in midair with the support of having his knees on Sniper's shoulders. Ha? Get it? Support? Because they're support classes? Ha ha ha. That's funny.

"Oi'm going to put my penis inside of you again now," moaned Sniper.

"OHHH SNIPER YES OUI OUI SI MON AMOUR," pleaded Spy sexily.

He put his penis inside of Spy.

The van shook a little bit.

Then he pulled his penis out.

The van shook again.

"OH SNIPER YES," gasped Spy who had the talent of talking in gasps, apparently.

"Maybe we shouldn't be doing this on a wall," thought Sniper aloud. "Oi mean, the camper van can hardly support me throwing my briefcase at a wall and here I am fucking you on it. How much do you weigh anyway? I mean, what if something happens?"

"STOP TALKING," gasped Spy. "FASTER ALREADY."

He put his penis in.

The van shook again.

"C'mon, let's go back on the cot, please?" he pleaded. "Oi'm getting a bit scared 'cause the van keeps rumblin' whenever I do that."

Spy growled and slapped Sniper across the face. "FASTER, DINGO!"

"Ow! Okay, whotever. Jesus."

In.

Shake.

Out.

Shake.

The van's tips were getting more reckless with every thrust of hot anal.

"OUuUuUuUuUuGH!" exclaimed Spy with a shudder.

A clash sounded through the van.

Sniper froze. "Uh oh," Sniper said quietly. "Oi think Oi just heard my mum's vase break."

"DON'T LEAVE ME WAITING!" snapped Spy.

In.

Shake.

Out.

Shake.

Then the van groaned and slowly leaned to the side.

"FUCK!" screamed Sniper. "FUCK, IT'S FALLING!"

"KEEP AT IT, BUSHMAN!" screamed Spy right back to him.

In.

Out.

The van groaned louder.

Sniper looked around. "OH NO OH NO OH NO - "

There was an enormous crash of all the windows breaking as Sniper's van collided with the cement.

Sniper's eyes were wide.

"Sp-spoi," he stuttered. "Spoi, you...you just...you just broke my van."

"I'M NOT DONE!" hollered Spy. "WE'RE HORIZONTAL NOW. LET'S GO."

And then Sniper thrust into him even though he had a massive stomachache. His mum was going to kill him. Sniper had used entire his college fund to buy that van.

Then Sniper thrust in and out really fast until Spy screamed in pleasure and came all over his own chest.

Sniper then came inside of Spy. But it was a half-hearted cum because he was seriously very depressed.

He pulled out and rolled over and looked at his van that was covered in glass shards and tipped bookshelves. He sighed and closed his eyes.

"Spoi, you're going to pay for all of this, do you hear me?" he said.

"Spoi?"

He looked to his side.

Spy was gone.

"OH GOD DAMNIT SPOI NOT AGAIN!"


End file.
